just recently made an Instagram folks! :D follow me krishhhelle_
three miscarriages. that’s a secret heartache my husband jude and i battled with for the first 2 and a half years of our marriage. having a miscarriage is not only excruciatingly painful but it is emotionally distressing as well and without the right help, even losing just one child could cause a person to go into deep depression. losing three children that could have been in our arms by now tormented me for the whole two and a half years.
the first time i found out i was pregnant, it was one of the best feelings of my life. i couldn’t wait to tell the world but just before i hit the three month of pregnancy mark.. i started bleeding. we rushed to the hospital and i stayed overnight. in the morning i had an ultrasound and was told that the baby had no heartbeat. it felt like the world had frozen when the doctor said those words. we were devastated. we couldn’t even find the words to talk to anyone about it. so we kept it to ourselves. the second time i got pregnant was only a few months later. again, i was over the moon.. a little scared but excited nonetheless. not long after.. baby number two passed away. when i found out i was pregnant with number three. i stayed silent. i remember i was even too scared to tell jude. the only thing i felt was the fear of losing yet another child. i told him eventually and even though i could tell he was scared too. he had so much hope in him still that it kept me strong. we tried to do everything right for this baby.. i stopped working, ate right, slept right.. in the end we lost the battle again. at this point we knew there was something wrong with me.. but even our doctor couldn’t tell us much. after a few tests he basically told me that i was obviously able to conceive a child, it was carrying my child for the whole nine months that made it almost impossible for me to do because my body was too weak. after hearing that.. i didn’t feel like a real woman anymore, i felt bitter.. depressed.. defeated. seeing my husband cry was the worst part. he really wanted to hold his children but he’d never get the chance. i had most of my miscarriages at home and after all the painful contractions, the baby would come out with the tissue that covered it. i hated, HATED the fact that we had to keep burrying our own children. it killed me inside. i tried to talk to a few people about how i felt but some of them would say things that made me wana punch them in the face during the conversation. things like..
'you shouldn't be so sad.. the fetus was only tiny when you had a miscarriage so it wasn't really a baby.'
what could a person be thinking to say something like that to a woman who just lost a child? i know they were just trying to help but it was like they talked about MY CHILDREN like they were nothing in this world, so easily flushed out and that i shouldn’t have cared. but they were alive, and they were growing so beautifully inside me. to me, i loved them like they were fully formed and already in my arms.. they just never got the chance to make it that far. because of those type of conversations.. i became even more segregated from people. i blamed myself for not being able to just ‘be better’ and i blamed God for creating me this way. i constantly demanded an answer from Him about why he kept taking my children away. for weeks it was like he had his back to me.. until one day, he answered.
a friend of mine, who had no idea about my miscarriages started randomly talking to me about a bible passage, which spoke about hope.. and within that passage was a small verse that spoke specifically about barren women (women who are unable to have children). the scripture that stood out from the passage read..
'He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children'. -Psalm 113:9
i knew it straight away. from something so small God was trying to tell me something big. He had probably been trying to encourage me for a while but i was too busy being angry at everything. so instead, like he always does.. He sent someone else to tell me.. someone who had no clue that God was even using them to tell me something. i started to get hope inside of me again. i started reading my bible to build up my faith because i knew someday soon.. i would be ‘settled in my home as a happy mother with my own children’. i was singing, dancing, laughing again and i knew it wasn’t just positivity, something in me had changed and i knew that feeling well. it was that feeling only God could give me.
amongst all this new refreshened happiness. there was only one last thing that bothered me. it was the fact that i knew i wouldn’t be able to ever meet the babies that i had lost. it was the only thing that would make me lonely sometimes. but yet again, God had put in another friends heart to buy me a book called Jessie. Not thinking anything of it, i started reading the book and cried the whole way through. The simple book was about a baby called Jessie who was never able to be born. In the book, the babies soul was taken by an angel up to heaven and the child watched her family happily from heaven because she knew she would be able to meet them all one day. It was an encouraging book that reminded Christian mothers that even though they had lost their child not to give up hope because in some other world, after we pass away.. we’ll be able to see our children again. I know it sounds weird but that wasn’t the reason i cried. the reason i cried was because of the books title - ‘Jessie’. One of the babies we had lost was named Jessica but during the pregnancy, we had nicknamed her Jessie. No way in the world would my friend have known that because it was something only Jude and i shared with each other. i knew i was able to say goodbye to that part of my past because instead of a final goodbye to my children it was more of a.. ‘i’ll see you later’ which was so much more comforting. finally for the first time in years, i felt completely at peace.
everything was falling back into place and not even month later.. i fell pregnant. this baby.. i knew was God’s promise to me.. because he had told me so in the scripture he gave. weeks passed, and i kept thanking God for his gift, no longer scared, no more fear. just faith that he’d pull our family through this. the 3 month milestone passed where the chances of a miscarriage lessens dramatically. that’s when i finally told the world! it was exciting because for the first time, jude and i were able to experience the happiness with our family and friends. it was and still is the best feeling. right now, i’m still 7 months pregnant but with each monthly hospital vist were getting told that the baby is big, healthy, strong and a perfect size for my body shape since i’m just a tiny person. i’ve been praying throughout my pregnancy and not once has baby shown any signs of distress. she loves judes voice and would kick the crap out of my guts everytime he’d sing to her. i know i’ll be seeing her soon which gets me even more excited. thinking of finally being able to be a mother, seeing jude being a father and us being a small happy family is such an uplifting feeling. God constantly teaches me that even in my weaknesses He is strong. strong enough to carry me through a promise he gave despite what doctors and my body might tell me. speaking of a promise, that’s our baby girl’s name. Kairi Promise. we wanted to name her that so that we’ll always remember God’s beautiful gift, miracle and promise to us for the rest of our lives.
To all the mothers and fathers out there who have lost a child, i decided to write down my story for you guys to let you know about hope, about faith, about God’s healing and God’s promises. It’s sort of hard for me, putting my story out there for randoms to read but i did it because i believe God wants to use it to encourage you guys. I wasn’t the first person to have that number of miscarriages and i’m definitely not the last. but at the end of a story that started off with heartache.. finishes off with love. and that’s a story my God never fails to deliver.
Hey guys! Today, my sisters Kitchie and Kym Miaco and Vince Mendoza and Rycher Alfonso from Philippine All Stars have just released my sisters first music video. If you guys could support them or reblog this video it’d be the best birthday present to me today! Thankyou so, so much :)
this is one of my older posts.. i was looking for it on this blog but i couldn’t find it so im reblogging it from my other blog that i dont use anymore lol here it is again.. for that special someone. you got this bro :) hang in there.
strengths and weaknesses
I’m going to share something close to me. Something some of you may not understand but I’ll try to explain it the best way I can. My parents were only young when we migrated to Australia. They lived in a small house in the suburbs and together raised 4 Filipino children, including myself. We were happy and generally kept to ourselves. On the outside we seemed like your typical Filipino family but no one would have ever been able to guess the underlying issues of what we were about to face. You see, my parents both suffer from mental illnesses because of their traumatized childhoods. My mother had bi-polar disease, which is caused by an imbalance in the brain. This causes her from being the calmest, happiest person in the world to without any reason suddenly become extremely aggressive and dangerously violent. My father suffered from psychosis, which meant that he occasionally would hear voices that made him want to hurt himself. I was about 13 when the violence started occurring. Being so young and naive, I had no clue that both these illnesses needed strong medication to help with the repercussions of the illnesses. As a teenager, being the oldest I was constantly beaten and bruised for no apparent reason. At the age of 15, both my parents became severely depressed and tried to commit suicide in front of me before my very eyes. I remember having to wrestle with my father for the knife while he tried to stab himself while keeping an eye out on my mother who was also trying hang herself. I remember not sleeping or eating for days because I had to stay up and “babysit” my parents. During this time I was also sick and had just come out of hospital because of an operation I had to have. It got so hard sometimes. I just wanted to cry.. but I knew I had to be strong.. because if I gave up.. what would happen to them?
One day while my mother was asleep, my father decided to get up and finally have a shower. I had to make sure that there were no sharp objects in the bathroom before I could let him go. As soon as he got into the bathroom, I heard the word “Pictures” being whispered in my ears. I started to think I was starting to go crazy.. but at the same time.. I believed it was a command from God to go do something. Immediately I ran into the cupboards and took out as many photo albums as I could find. Then I ran to my parent’s bedroom and ripped the pictures from the albums and stuck them on the walls. I knew I only had about 5 minutes to do this. I covered the walls, drawers and mirrors with pictures of my family from when we were babies to the present day. After 5 minutes, I heard the bathroom door open.. and steps coming towards the room. My father walked in and looked around. He didn’t even notice me standing exhausted in the middle of the room.. all he could see were the pictures covering the room. He yelled for my mother’s name and she came rushing in the room to see what he could see. Tears started covering their eyes as they both held each other and cried as they pointed to each photo describing the memory of their children that went with them. At that moment they realised what they had done. “We can’t destroy ourselves and ruin a beautiful family like this..” I heard my father say. Hours passed and they were still in the room talking about the photos. Everything seemed to get better after that… until about a month later when the police came knocking on my door asking for my father. Apparently my mother had told her friend what had happened and told her that she was ok now. My mother’s friend on the other hand had freaked out and called the police on my father. My father was then escorted to a mental intuition, which is where he stayed for the next few months. My heart fell every time I went to visit him. It hurt to see my father amongst a bunch of crazy people and be labelled as one of them. I knew he needed medication but I also knew he wasn’t as crazy as the people who I saw playing with their faeces or rocking back and forth in the corners talking about aliens. He was MY dad! Do you know how HARD it is to watch your own father sit in a mental hospital? what made it worse was when I looked in his eyes.. the drugs that they gave him made it hard for him to even recognise me. It just crushed me. I visited him everyday and tried to stay strong for my siblings. They were only young so they didn’t understand much. All they knew is that they missed him.
That was all about seven years ago. My dad is back living a normal life now. I rarely see him though. I guess he’s still trying to cope with some pain. I know he’ll come back one day. My mother is so much better than before. She’s also so much stronger emotionally. We’re really close now.. so much closer than before. I’ve forgiven her for the past.. I don’t think there’s a point in dwelling on the pain. I’m also 100 times happier now than I was before everything happened because weird as it sounds, that whole obstacle taught me how to appreciate life.
I used to question WHY.. God allowed us to go through that.. but I don’t anymore. Because I realise that it’s because there are other people out there going through similar situations.. and they need to hear this story to understand that despite the impossible circumstances out there, no matter how young or how old you are.. EVERY OBSTACLE CAN BE DEFEATED. I wasn’t gona sit around and let some mental illnesses destroy my family. If I did, my brother, sisters and I would have probably ended up in separate foster homes somewhere. That time was hard, but it taught me courage and hope. I was the most hopeless young teenager there was.. yet God strengthened me in the time of trouble. And if He could strengthen that scrawny little 15 year old.. imagine what he could do for you? Before everything happened I was just another ordinary kid.. complaining about little things in life like “why can’t that boy in my class like me already? Or why can’t I have that dress in that store?” Self centeredness and material things never even made me happy in the end because I realised that my true happiness was found in each of my family members smiles. It was there all along.. and I’m glad I realised that.
Times like this in my life make me realize that happiness is so much more beautiful after surviving the pain, that past hurts can be turned into future strengths and that sometimes you need to go through the bad things to notice the good things that were always in front of you.
I’m encouraging you guys out there to face whatever is in your path. It’s going to be hard but I know you guys can pull yourself together because trust me the happiness IS worth the pain. I haven’t faced every kind of hurt in the world there is to face. But I believe that there is a way to deal with every kind of obstacle there is. I know that if God is going to allow a problem to get in our paths.. he’s already equipped us with tools to get through it. Some of us just haven’t realised that we already have the tools and if we did, we think we’re not strong enough to use them. If you don’t know what you’re doing just ask God for help. I’ve noticed that throughout all the trials in my life, God was always there strengthening me physically and emotionally. And when I say he was there. I don’t mean I think he was there… I mean it was almost like he was waving things in front of my face while saying “Hey Krishelle, I’m right here! You’ve got this! I’ve already made a way for you to get through it.. you just gotta stand strong for a little bit longer.” ….and you know what? He’s always kept his promises. So whatever you guys are going through. Don’t give up man.. you got this. =)
YAAAAAAAAY THEY WON!! THEY WON!! First Place in Mr Hollywood Man - Perez Hilton’s “Can You Sing?” Competition! :)))) Just found out this morning! So random, they just did it for fun not thinking they’d even place and they came first! That’s humility for you. Thanks so much Perez for acknowledging my sister’s voices. MAN, I’M SO PROUD OF THEM!! Sucha blessing :) Thankyou Lord.
pretty little baby sister Kym Miaco singing Try - Frank Ocean/Justin Beiber :) Reblog if you see what you like.
i guess this post relates to my previous post somehow. you never really know whom you might be helping. they might end up rescuing you one day.
Our performance at INFLUENCERS last night :) sorry we can’t get ahold of the official video just yet but here’s one for the meantime. On behalf of Guidance Crew, Thankyou so much for those who support our ministry. We really do appreciate it!